Sin Pelos en La Lengua: Your Guide to Exploring the 5 Levels of Touch for Deeper Intimacy
Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash
Welcome back to the Sin Pelos en la Lengua collaborative series!
Today, I'm joined by Danny Nava, LMFT, CST - a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. We're exploring a fascinating topic that impacts many relationships: the 5 Levels of Touch.
Physical touch is one of the five love languages, but did you know there are actually five distinct levels of touch? In this discussion, Danny will break down these levels, and I'll add insights and visualization exercises to help illustrate how they might look in everyday life.
Danny, welcome back! Let’s dive into the 5 Levels of Touch. Can you tell us more about this concept?
The five levels of touch (a.k.a. the five gears of touch) is an exercise I picked up from an amazing sex therapist during my training, Barry McCarthy. These levels explore the different ways we communicate through touch and with our bodies.
The five levels are: 1) Affectionate, 2) Intimate, 3) Playful, 4) Erotic, and 5) Sexual Touch. I really like using this exercise to check in with couples and see which area of their physical communication might need a tune-up. It helps them stay physically responsive and connected to each other.
Breaking down these levels can help couples better understand the range of physical connection and intimacy. Can you define each of the levels for us and give examples of what they look like in practice?
1. Affectionate Touch
This usually involves clothes-on touching, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing. Affectionate touch is not sexual but provides the foundation for intimate attachment. In my experience, what I’ve seen this type of touch communicate to a partner is fondness.
Noemí’s Visualization: Imagine a couple greeting each other after work. They share a warm hug and a quick kiss, then hold hands as they walk to the kitchen to prepare dinner together. During cooking, one might casually place a hand on the other's back while reaching for an ingredient. These small, everyday gestures communicate fondness and connection without sexual intent.
2. Intimate Touch
This involves non-genital pleasuring, which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or nude. Sensual touch includes actions like giving a head, back, or foot rub; cuddling on the couch while watching TV, a trust position where you feel safe and connected, or cradling each other as you go to sleep or when you wake up. This kind of touch communicates nurturance and creates a safe, connected space.
Noemí’s Visualization: Picture a couple relaxing on the couch after a long day. One partner offers to give the other a foot massage. As they sit together, the receiving partner leans back, closing their eyes and enjoying the nurturing touch. This non-sexual yet deeply connecting moment allows them to bond and unwind together.
3. Playful Touch
This intermixes genital pleasuring with non-genital touch (usually semi-clothed or nude). Playful touch can include activities like touching in the shower or bath, full-body massages, seductive or erotic dancing, or games like strip poker or Twister. What makes playful touch inviting is its sense of fun, unpredictability, and enhanced pleasure.
I love playful touch because it communicates a humanizing quality to your partner. What I mean by this is that sometimes, due to attraction or roles/dynamics, we might put our partners on pedestals or see them as fragile in some way. When we engage in play, we humanize our partners, offering more grace in difficult times, while also building our comfort around them. Play is also important because it develops problem-solving skills, which can be especially beneficial when a couple is struggling with some form of sexual dysfunction.
Noemí’s Visualization: Imagine a couple deciding to have a 'dance party for two' in their living room after dinner. As they move to the music, they might playfully twirl each other, engaging in silly dance moves. This kind of interaction brings laughter, joy, and a sense of fun to their physical connection.
4. Erotic Touch
This is the most challenging gear. Erotic, non-intercourse touch can include manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrator stimulation. Erotic scenarios and techniques are an integral part of a couple's sexuality, providing a sense of vitality, creativity, and spontaneity. Erotic touch can be mutual or one-way, synchronous or asynchronous. It may lead to orgasm or transition into penetrative sexual activities. The key message communicated here is desire.
Noemí’s Visualization: Envision a couple engaging in foreplay. They might start with a sensual massage, slowly building anticipation. One partner traces their fingers lightly over the other's skin, occasionally brushing against more sensitive areas but not focusing on them. They might incorporate toys or feathers for added sensation. This touch is clearly sexual in nature but doesn't necessarily lead to penetrative sexual activities.
5. Sexual Touch
There are two crucial concepts in integrating penetrative sexual activities into the gears of connection. First, it should be seen as a natural continuation of the pleasuring/erotic process, rather than a "pass-fail" performance test. Second, it's best to transition to penetrative sexual activities at higher levels of erotic flow (around 7 or 8 on a scale of 1-10) and to maintain multiple types of stimulation during intercourse.
Noemí’s Insight: Sexual touch is diverse and personal, varying based on individual preferences, abilities, and boundaries. It's crucial to embrace an inclusive understanding that goes beyond traditional cisheteronormative views. For many, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, sexual experiences can be fluid and pleasurable without conforming to conventional notions of intercourse. The key is prioritizing mutual pleasure, intimacy, and consent through open communication.
Noemí’s Visualization: Consider a couple engaged in sexual intercourse. They maintain connection through various types of touch – caressing, holding, or grasping – while also engaging in genital stimulation. They might switch positions, pausing to kiss deeply or whisper to each other, maintaining an intimate connection throughout the act. They consistently check in with each other, ensuring ongoing consent and comfort, enhancing their connection through open communication and mutual pleasure.
Thanks for breaking down the 5 Levels of Touch for us.
Many partners experience intense physical connection early on, but this can change over time. You often hear people talk about that magical phase at the beginning of a relationship, where everything feels exciting and new.
What exactly is "new relationship energy," and why does it seem to fade as the relationship matures? How do the different levels of touch fit into this shift, and what can partners do to maintain that sense of excitement over time?
This is a wonderful phase in a new relationship. What is it? Well, from a neurochemical standpoint, it’s the reactions of phenylethylamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin. I say this because I think it’s important to understand that romantic love is not something special in another person, like a spell they cast on you. These are chemical reactions in your brain designed to help us attach, connect, and survive.
It takes a little of the mystique out of it, but understanding this can help answer the question: "Where does it go?" These chemicals are designed to get people together, not necessarily keep them together. So what people consider the ‘honeymoon period’ (roughly 2 years) is the time in which these chemicals are working their magic. But once people have had time to be attached and feel safe these chemicals don’t need to be at such high levels. Plus, during that time, stress might have started to override some of the things you once found cute in your partner.
So what is left is simply what you’ve practiced in the relationship. If you’ve spent the honeymoon phase riding high on emotions, letting things slide with the mindset of, "We’ll get through it together," or "We’ll cross that bridge when we get there," you may not have been actively practicing important skills like conflict resolution, growth, and intimacy. Instead, your connection was driven by hormones and chemicals. Now that those drivers are gone, you might find yourself out of practice when it comes to healthy communication and conflict resolution. As a result, you’re more likely to fall back on old habits like self-preservation, defensiveness, blame, and pride.
This goes back to our blog about building and maintaining desire in romantic relationships. Our practices are crucial to the health of a relationship. And what I’m hearing is that understanding and applying the 5 Levels of Touch can help deepen a couple's connection. Can you speak more to how this knowledge helps partners maintain their sex lives and build lasting intimacy?
Some of the most significant ways I’ve seen this knowledge change a couple’s sex life and overall relational health are by adding value and purpose back into lesser-practiced forms of touch, improving communication, and removing pressure from sex.
When we engage in familiar practices like hugging, kissing, or spooning, we can often go on ‘autopilot,’ forgetting the underlying messages these actions convey. They no longer express our fondness or desire to nurture our partner, they just become routine. In contrast, when we consider less-practiced forms of touch, like playful or erotic interactions, we might overlook their importance and lose their benefits in the process. Partners who grasp this concept and actively engage in it often report feeling far more connected than those who simply have more sex.
The more we understand what we communicate through our bodies and the more intentionally we express those messages, the less pressure we place on physical touch. For many couples who are struggling, sex can feel like it has to convey multiple meanings—“I love you,” “I’m still attracted,” “I’m sorry,” “I want to help you heal.” While sex can certainly express these sentiments, it’s a lot of pressure to put on one act. By recognizing the other ways to communicate these feelings, we can relieve unnecessary pressure from our intimate lives.
And it’s humanizing. It reminds us that our partner is a living, breathing person, not some porcelain doll on a shelf. This shift not only opens the door to deeper connection but also levels the playing field, allowing us to see each other as two people simply trying to make the most of our time together.
I agree with you about the importance of humanizing our partners. Partnership, sex, romance, desire, and relationships don’t need to be perfect; they simply need to be human. I believe there’s a lot of love and eroticism in that perspective, especially when contrasted with the ideal of perfection that’s been ingrained in us. Perfection is boring! I believe it’s our complexities and imperfections that make us more interesting.
Thank you Danny for sharing your knowledge with us.
Closing Thoughts
Embracing the 5 Levels of Touch can revolutionize intimacy in relationships. True connection flourishes through authenticity and vulnerability, not societal ideals of perfection. By exploring the full range of physical communication, partners can rekindle desire and forge lasting bonds. This journey is about navigating the natural rhythms of connection together, not achieving an idealized partnership. As we openly communicate, play freely, and celebrate our unique bonds, we cultivate deeper, more fulfilling intimacy. Remember, it's not perfection that makes a relationship extraordinary, but the willingness to be present, human, and continuously evolving together.
Putting the 5 Levels of Touch to Practice
These tips can be adapted for various relationship structures, including monogamous, non-monogamous, polyamorous, or any other consensual arrangement.
Discuss the levels with your partner(s) and identify which you use most and least.
Set an intention to incorporate one new level of touch each week.
Keep a journal to note how different types of touch affect your connection(s).
Create a 'touch menu' together, listing activities for each level that you all enjoy.
Regularly check in with your partner(s) about comfort levels with different types of touch.
For those on the asexual or aromantic spectrums, focus on the levels of touch that feel most comfortable and fulfilling.
Remember, there's no 'right' balance - find what works for your relationship(s) and respect individual boundaries and preferences.
Remember, these tips are meant to be flexible and adaptable to your unique situation. The key is to find ways of expressing physical intimacy that feel authentic and fulfilling for everyone involved.
If you feel comfortable, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Which level of touch resonates most with you? Have you found unique ways to express intimacy in your relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
That’s it for now. Thanks for reading! Be back soon.
