Sin Pelos en La Lengua: Self-Pleasure as Self-Discovery and Self-Empowerment

Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash

I’m thrilled to be joined again by my colleague, Rocio “Rossy” Olivera, sex education expert. Together, we’re diving into the important topics of sex, pleasure, and intimacy. Rocio brings a wealth of knowledge on sexual pleasure as a form of healing, with experience hosting her podcast, “Suelta la Sopa with Rossy,” and serving as the Youth Sexuality Education Coordinator for a local Latine non-profit in Oregon. 

Our aim is to provide a kind of Sex Ed 101–something you might not have received in school or from your parents. We’ll delve into topics like centering sexual pleasure, exploring self-pleasure, and offering insights into navigating these discussions within dating and romantic relationships. Let’s keep exploring the world of pleasure together!

Hola! Welcome back. I am excited to have a conversation with you again to explore taboo subjects, which is partly what Stillness Therapy aims to do. In a previous blog, you provided us with helpful insights and information about how to center more sexual pleasure in our lives. I know you’re passionate about educating individuals on self-pleasure and sex toys, which is what I’d like to focus on today. 

Hola! Gracias por tenerme de nuevo. Yes! I believe self-pleasure is synonymous with self-empowerment. Specifically, for mujeres, as I mentioned before, we’ve often been conditioned to believe that sex happens to us. Sex toys can be powerful tools for self-exploration, helping us learn what feels amazing and what we desire in both partnered and solo sex. 

Personally, when I first used a sex toy at 21, I had no idea what felt good or how to be patient with myself. I was intimidated. Fast forward to just a few years ago, the sex toy industry has evolved, offering diversity in toys to meet various needs. I am very content with my vibrator and I am looking into purchasing some nipple clamps! I am happy to offer recommendations.

Let’s circle back to your recommendations. I’d like to start with the basics. Can you tell me more about why sex education is important and how it intersects with mental health? 

These are crucial questions! I believe sex education saves lives! Sex education reduces bullying by fostering empathy, cuts down on STI transmission through safer sex practices, and prevents sexual violence by teaching consent. It also addresses LGBTQ+ health disparities and helps prevent unintended pregnancies through education on contraceptives and safer sex practices. Beyond physical health, sex education promotes emotional regulation skills, teaches boundaries for healthy relationships, enhances media literacy, and encourages bystander intervention against sexual violence. Sex education keeps young people healthy. It helps them become well-rounded individuals. I know it’s hella cliche, but the real change happens outside the classroom!

That is fantastic. Like, how could we hear those wonderful benefits and not want to advocate for more sex education? Let’s move on to self-pleasure. Define it for me and tell me about why this is a topic of interest for you?

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, self-pleasure has been crucial in reclaiming my body without judgment. It can involve exploring toys that focus on specific body parts (nipples, clitoris, etc.), listening to or reading erotica, watching sexy scenes that arouse you, or eating a yummy dish. The list goes on. Self-pleasure is important because you get to decide what pleases you in and out of the bedroom. Remember: Pleasure is our birthright! Capitalism will have you gaslit thinking you have to earn it, we do not have to earn pleasure. But we do have to be intentional, consistent, and curious about exploring our desires.

I’ve known about your experience as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, because you’ve publicly shared it with your community. I really want to commend you for being open about it, because that’s another taboo subject people feel a lot of shame about and don’t openly discuss. We know that shining a light on shame is the first step in overcoming it, and I imagine this journey resonates with many survivors who struggle with sexual pleasure. It’s beautiful that you’ve transformed this part of yourself, and I am happy for you. That’s real joy! I see, appreciate, and admire your openness and honesty. 

A part of your role as a sex education expert is educating communities about a topic that is often categorized as taboo. I imagine you’ve encountered many barriers. What are some barriers that get in the way of people exploring self-pleasure? What are their concerns?

Pleasure and solo sex have become buzzwords in the sexuality realm. I’ve noticed millennial Latinas feeling overwhelmed by the information, which I think discourages them from exploring self-pleasure. They feel unsure about how, when, or where to start. Another major barrier I’ve learned about, which is a complete myth, is the belief that if you are having solo sex, it means you are not being pleased by your partner (“it’ll hurt my partner’s feelings and ego”) or that there is no need to explore solo sex if you are already sexually active with someone. But the reality is hetero cis women, statistically speaking, are not having pleasurable sex even when they are partnered. For a lack of a better word, there is still stigma around it and Latinas are unsure of where to start.

It’s really sad to think there’s so much anxiety and worry about this, because being in tune with your sexuality is such a big part of understanding yourself. It also highlights the need for education and empowerment. Also, I knew this, right? But I want to reiterate this because I think it needs to be highlighted. Statistically speaking, hetero cis women are not having pleasurable sex even when they are partnered. That is wild, sad and unacceptable! Okay, moving on…

Let’s get into your recommendations. For those curious, but apprehensive about self-pleasure, what kind of toys would you recommend to ease into it? 

I would suggest a small external vibrator with 3-5 different speeds. These are potent, cute, and easy to use. The last thing I want is for folks to be overwhelmed and then not use it again. External vibrators focus on the clit and lips, which we know have up to 8,000 nerve endings, so you will feel some magic! Don’t forget a good lube, I prefer water-based lubes for external vibrators. An accessible Latina owned brand I would suggest is Maude, which offers some great bundle options.

We love a cute and easy use vibrator. We also love a Latina owned business! I will check them out. Thank you for putting us on. Last thing before you go, please speak on sensuality and integrating our senses into daily life? 

Sensuality! Yes, sensuality is simply pleasing all senses. Being sensual in this context invites us to engage with pleasing all senses throughout our day. It’s sexy and centers pleasure. Smell scented perfume, essential oils, or incense. Feel silk materials, light and soft touches. Sight, a beautiful smile or watching a sunset. Taste strawberries with chocolate, honey. Hearing your favorite album, whispers from your partner. These are some ways to incorporate sensuality in your day-to-day life. It doesn’t have to be this big performance, or expensive. It’s a reminder that pleasure and sensuality go hand in hand and are our birthright!

Final Thoughts on Self-Pleasure, Empowerment and Discovery

As we conclude our conversation on self-pleasure, self-discovery, and self-empowerment it’s clear that these topics are not just about physical satisfaction, but integral to our emotional well-being and empowerment especially for women (and queer people!). By normalizing discussion around self-pleasure, debunking myths, and promoting inclusive sex education, we empower individuals to explore and honor their desires without shame. Let’s continue fostering open dialogue and education, ensuring that everyone feels empowered to embrace their sexuality and pleasure as essential parts of their holistic well-being.

Stay tuned, next time I’m picking Rossy’s brain on exploring pleasure and desire within the context of dating and romantic relationships. Thank you for being here!