Sin Pelos en La Lengua: How Sensate Focus Helps You Reconnect with Yourself and Enhance Intimacy with Your Partner
Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash
Welcome back to the “Sin Pelos en la Lengua'' collaborative series!
In my previous conversations with Danny Nava, LMFT, CST, we have explored ways to deepen connection, intimacy, and pleasure in relationships. In the first blog, we talked about how desire in romantic relationships requires active nurturing and how we can explore our wants, likes, and expectations to keep that desire alive. If you missed it, you can check it out here.
In the second blog, we explored the 5 Levels of Touch and how different types of touch can impact the physical and emotional closeness between partners. We discussed how touch, when intentional and mindful, can enhance intimacy and foster a deeper connection. The 5 Levels of Touch are a powerful framework for couples to explore how they touch each other, not only to meet physical needs but also to communicate affection and love in more meaningful ways.
Today, we’re continuing our conversation by discussing Sensate Focus–a powerful therapeutic technique that can help individuals and couples reconnect with their bodies and rediscover intimacy. Sensate focus helps us slow down and focus on the sensations in our bodies, fostering mindfulness and emotional connection. Whether you’re navigating intimacy issues, stress, or simply seeking to enhance your physical connection, sensate focus offers a practical way to build awareness and foster deeper connection in your relationship.
The inspiration behind these blogs was born out of the lack of education around sex and intimacy. Most people learn about sex through media such as film, TV shows, and p*rn*graphy, which isn’t always informative or accurate. And what we know is that sex isn’t just about the physical act—it’s about closeness, intimacy, trust, and connection. When couples face sexual issues, these challenges are often tied to deeper concerns like body image, trauma, gender roles, loneliness, desire, and pleasure. This is why therapeutic approaches like sensate focus are so valuable. They address the complexities of intimacy by encouraging mindfulness, self-awareness, and open communication. Sensate focus provides a safe space for couples to explore these deeper emotional layers, helping them reconnect in more meaningful ways.
Welcome back, Danny. Let’s start by discussing the misconceptions and misinformation surrounding sex. What are your thoughts on this?
Danny: This is a really interesting question. I don’t know if what we struggle with today is misinformation or misconception more than it is misunderstanding, or an inability to have a frame of reference from which to understand. When we break it down, most conceptions are myths or biased perspectives that people don’t challenge or validate. And that kinda goes into misinformation, which often arises from naiveté–people either choose not to educate themselves or struggle to do so. In other words, the correct information is out there and relatively simple to find. The issue seems to be that people don’t know how to relate to or understand what they’re reading.
I think this is the result of two large themes. The first theme is that with people growing more disconnected from themselves, they also lose the ability to relate to what they would learn from good sex education. For example, if you place the value of yourself as a sexual person on how well you pleasure your partner, how would you ever know how to take care of yourself? You might also have people who simply have no sex education. Even if they receive good information, they haven’t developed an attunement to their sexual self, so it’s difficult to make sense of the information.
The second theme is the time it takes to understand. Learning how to have great sex takes time, but addressing sexual function today often takes a simple subscription. For example, many men’s health companies offer affordable pro-erection medication, which is a quick fix. The focus is just on getting it up, irrespective of the underlying factors. “Problem solved.” And with today’s battle for attention, telling people, “The road to great, healthy sex is a marathon, not a sprint” is a really hard sell.
Why is it unhelpful to view sex as a performance and to consume media that is male-centered? And how can exploring more diverse and ethical portrayals of sex benefit intimacy and connection?
D: If we’re talking about p*rn, then I’m more interested in what p*rn people are watching. Not all centers on male pleasure, so maybe people need to broaden their horizons and consume media more responsibly. But yes, much of it is performative. I think what’s unhelpful about that is, if that’s your main source of sexual conversation, it’s not exactly realistic. Performers are athletic, there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes. Hours of work go into making a 20-minute scene. A positive reframe here would be to watch p*rn or media that interviews performers. There are some more ethical and realistic channels that want to capture real sex from real people.
If we’re talking about movies and TV, I don’t know if it’s orgasm focused more than it is just shows of ecstasy. Like I can’t really think of a movie or show that shows someone cumming more than simply “finishing.” And yes, this is performative. I think what’s unhelpful there is that it portrays people as very attuned to their sexual selves and fully comfortable giving themselves to the moment. While this isn’t bad, it’s not very realistic–sadly. Today, we get two broad types of scenes. The first type is when we cut to people having sex and we don’t know anything about them. Whether it’s casual, paid sex, or a couple we haven’t been introduced to, we’re often thrust into an intense (even if brief) scene of people totally engrossed in their own pleasure. The audience doesn’t see the relationship or chemistry that has supposedly built up to that moment, or the dynamics that define what the scene is about. The second type of scene is a couple giving into passion after multiple scenes of desire being built. This can be the “will they-won’t they” couple, from enemies to lovers, a cute rom-com, or suave James-Bond meets femme fatale. Here, we often do get to learn about the relationship that leads to the sex (for better or worse).
Both types of scenes show people engrossed in their pleasure, which is great, but the downside is that because it’s a visual media, you can’t read people’s minds. They often make a spectacle of it by getting all the angles, eye-gazing, positions, and sensual rocking motions–all of which makes it a “performance.” It’s a spectacle filled with movements and sounds that are meant to be attractive to the audience. We focus on that and never think twice about the internal process needed for that to be believable.
Let’s dive into it: Sensate Focus. What exactly is it?
D: Sensate focus is a series of exercises that gradually increase variations of physical touch, focusing on the sensory experience and communication. When we say gradual variations, we mean starting with just a few fingers, moving on to full hands, both hands, and experimenting with pressure, texture, and temperature. As the exercises progress, we move clients from clothed to nude, and from non-sexual to sexual areas.
A typical guideline for these exercises is to start with some deep breathing to activate the parasympathetic (rest) nervous system and get into our bodies. Then one partner will be active, and the other will be receptive. The active partner will have five minutes to touch for their own pleasure. The receptive partner focuses on the touch and remains as present as possible. Afterward, the couple will share their likes and reflections, then switch roles and repeat the process.
In what specific situations or challenges related to sex and intimacy would sensate focus be particularly helpful for individuals and couples?
D: Sensate focus is a great exercise with wide applications. I use it to help couples grow more comfortable with their sexual selves, engage in self-exploration, manage anxiety, recover from trauma, and much more.
What can individuals and couples learn from this type of exercise, and what is the goal of practicing sensate focus?
D: The overarching goal is to become more attuned to your own sexual and arousal experiences. We often focus on pleasing our partners and looking good, but we don’t really understand our own sexual templates. For example, we know more that something turns us on, but we’re not really present in the experience of being turned on. Once people are better able to understand themselves, they can more easily communicate their desires, interests, and needs to their partners.
How can the guidance of a therapist be helpful in practicing sensate focus?
D: This role of a therapist in any exercise is helping people make sense of their experiences and offering insight and options. With sensate focus specifically, many obstacles can come up–whether it’s setting time, losing an erection, initiating, to talking about the experience afterward. Our job is to help people understand and work through those obstacles. For example, setting time aside for the exercises is a common challenge. People might say, “It just doesn’t feel natural. We want it to be more spontaneous. If it feels like work then it’s not real” But what they’re coming to terms with is the vulnerability that comes with intention–the anxiety of ownership. The reality is that it’s not about performing a show; it’s about letting someone into the real you, and that’s scary. But that’s the work. That’s why sex is starting to struggle. A good therapist helps couples understand this dynamic and helps them to make the right assessments and connections for the next step.
Closing Thoughts
As you reflect on sensate focus and its potential to deepen your connection with both yourself and your partner, remember that building intimacy takes time and practice. Whether you’re navigating intimacy challenges or simply seeking to reconnect, this powerful technique can offer meaningful results. If you’re ready to begin this journey or need support in exploring your intimacy more deeply, I invite you to reach out and discover how we can work together to enhance your self-intimacy and self-connection. For couples that are looking for support, Danny is available for consultations. Let’s work together to get you reconnected with your true desires and foster deeper intimacy.
