Rewriting the Story

Avoidance of mindfulness meditation and stillness is normal. We avoid it because then we would have to live with the reality of the thing, the status of our life, as it opens up space to remember the things we’ve worked hard to forget. Any mindfulness practice that is done in silence and stillness has potential to bring up scary feelings and memories. It may shine a light on grief. Why would we want to sit with grief? Grief is exhausting! For those of us who have experienced trauma, stillness may actually feel unsafe. However, I wonder, can we rewrite this story? What might we gain by sitting in the eye of the storm? 

What is mindfulness meditation?

Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness meditation as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and nonjudgmentally.” It allows us to anchor ourselves through our breath and bring attention to our mind and body as it is in any given moment. Kabat-Zinn describes it as an invitation to befriend yourself. It’s a journey of self-awareness, acceptance, compassion, and love.

There’s often a misunderstanding that mindfulness is about getting rid of thoughts and distractions, but that’s unrealistic. Distractions and thoughts are ever present. Mindfulness meditation is more about noticing the anxious thought and letting it float away like a cloud; gently caressing the tight neck; tuning in and out of outside distractions; kindly setting a boundary with the inner critic. Mindful stillness is a practice that takes time to build, and like any muscle, it grows stronger with time and effort.

What’s grief got to do with it?

Mindfulness is often understood as a relaxing, pleasant, and grounding practice, which it can be; however, when in stillness, we may discover grief. In this way, meditation is scary. It’s having a conversation with the ghosts from our past. If it feels unsafe, it doesn’t mean you must avoid it. It may mean the process of tuning into your body may be more difficult and helpful to do gradually with the guidance of a therapist (which Peter Levine, creator of Somatic Experiencing therapy, calls the concept of titration) to avoid feeling worse.

The reality is, whatever grief we’re navigating, will be cyclical and boundless. Despite our best efforts to fight pain, suffering is a part of our human experience. Oftentimes grief is described as a tide, rising suddenly, and crashing into you like the first time. And like the tide, with time, grief lessens. Grief is an old, wise teacher who has much to share about our desires, needs, and pain. If we learn to tune in, look the ugliest of truths in the face, we may be able to find ourselves on the other end of it. Grief tells the story about our life.

What are the benefits of mindfulness meditation?

Studies suggest that cultivating moment awareness has a positive impact on our physical and mental health. Evidence suggests its helpful in reducing anxiety, depression, stress, lowering blood pressure and improving sleep.

Practicing moment awareness by being still may also help us in learning about our emotional aches and why they exist. It may help with learning about our fears, our fierce protector. It may helps up put fear to rest when it no longer needs to fight. We may become better acquainted with our inner critic (our other fierce defender) by understanding its origin and how to be gentle with it while nurturing our inner advocate. We may gain clarity about ourselves, our relationships, our values and expectations. We may be able to tap into our curiosity, our dreams, and fantasies. We may learn to bathe in gentle waters we could not swim in, because we were consumed with staying afloat and surviving.

My Personal Journey

Mindfulness and stillness has been a significant part of my self-love journey and I’ve personally learned a lot from it. It’s helped me learn to enjoy stillness. It’s helped with redefining self, love, and safety. I’ve learned more about my desire to return to my roots, myself, my strengths. It’s also taught me to be self-compassionate. It’s helped me tune into my values, what feels good, what works and no longer works for me. I feel gratitude for this wisdom and this practice was, and still is, challenging because of the grief it brings up. However, it’s been helpful in my personal and professional development, and I’m committed to continue building it.

Summary and Tips

Mindfulness meditation, being still, grieving, and self-compassion, all take practice. This practice will be unique to you. Do what works and feels good. Reconsider rewriting the story of what mindfulness and stillness means to you. Do so with guidance from a therapist, if it feels scary to do so alone.

When you practice, consider the following:

• What setting feels comforting and what’s accessible to me? My room? The beach? The library? My backyard? Somewhere in the mountains?

• When I take a deep breath, how does it feel? What body sensations am I noticing?

• What images come to mind?

• What pesky thoughts show up? What does it feel like to start noticing and letting them go?

• When distractions come up, what is it like to bring my attention back to my breath, my anchor?

What does mindfulness meditation mean to you? In what ways has it been helpful? In what ways has it been challenging? What story would your stillness and grief tell?