Welcome back to the third and final part of the “Insights from Latine Therapists'' collaborative series. This time, I have Stefanie Flores, LPC, LCADC joining me once again. Stefanie is a seasoned expert in trauma-informed therapy. In today’s blog post, Stefanie and I will discuss the qualities of healthy and abusive relationships, and explore the green and red flags to watch out for in relationships. 

Understanding Healthy Relationships

Before inviting Stefanie to chime in on unhealthy and abusive relationships, I want to start by defining relationships and discussing the qualities of healthy relationships. This is a topic I often presented on during my time as a graduate research educator at my university’s counseling center and one that remains the focal point in therapy sessions with my clients. Often, people come to therapy because they desire to embark on a self-discovery journey, and in that journey, we often discover that it involves understanding your relationships with others. 

So, let’s start with the basics. A relationship is defined as a connection, association, and/or involvement with another person, be it family, friends, classmates, roommates, romantic partners, casual acquaintances, and professional contacts. What makes a relationship healthy? Picture a spectrum: on one end lie healthy relationships; in the middle, unhealthy ones; and on the other end, abusive ones. Healthy relationships are based on equality and respect. They entail nonviolent communication, trust, honesty, compromise, support, healthy boundaries, and the ability to confront and repair conflicts. In such relationships, both individuals feel comfortable and open with each other, freely discussing any concerns or issues without fear of backlash, fostering emotional safety and mutual respect. 

Building Blocks of Healthy Relationships 

One vivid clear memory from my graduate school days was sitting in on a class presentation by a couple’s therapist who said, “In healthy relationships, we accept influence (from our partners) because that demonstrates we respect one another.” That was so many years ago, and my definition of love and respect has since expanded exponentially. Nonetheless, it planted an important seed and revolutionized how I thought about relationships. It highlights the importance of respect, reciprocity, care, and compromise. I personally believe shared values, direct communication, and boundaries are like the glue that holds healthy relationships together. They provide the stability and strength needed to weather life’s storms. When everyone aligns on values, communicates openly and honestly, and respects each other’s boundaries, it’s like building a fortress of trust and understanding. So yeah, those little three things you may have heard about? They’re absolutely crucial for keeping relationships happy and harmonious. 

Let’s start with values. Values are ‘rules of life’ that are inherently important to you. They’re personal beliefs that are a fundamental part of who you are and tend to be consistent throughout your life, unless something major causes you to change them. Chances are you’ve had a similar set of personal values since you were a child. Our values influence many aspects of our lives, including the choices we make, how we react to situations, who we spend time with, and our goals and aspirations. When our values are honored, we feel good. When they are challenged, we feel discomfort or suffering. 

In a healthy relationship, there is direct, gentle, and honest expression of our feelings and needs. There is willingness to embrace vulnerability and engage in reflective listening. There exists a sense of presence, focus, and a collectively established safe space where both individuals can be messy and figure things out together. Moreover, when we work on our communication, we learn that speaking up is important, and it’s just as crucial to be supportive listeners, rather than instinctively offering advice or attempting to fix problems. 

Finally, boundaries play a pivotal role in healthy relationships by establishing clear guidelines for acceptable behaviors. They’re like signposts on the road, showing what’s cool and what’s not. They’re super important because they help people set their limits and talk about what they need and want with their partners, friends, family or coworkers. When everyone respects those boundaries, it’s like a dance where nobody steps on each other’s toes. It keeps things calm, stops fights before they even start, and makes sure everyone feels good and supported. So yeah, healthy boundaries? They’re basically the secret sauce for a happy relationship! 

Now let’s dive into my Q&A with Stefanie Flores. With her extensive background in working with domestic violence survivors, Stefanie offers invaluable insights into the reality of abusive relationships.

Stef, it’s great to have you back! Could you shed light on the defining characteristics of abusive relationships? What do they look like?

A relationship shifts from “healthy” to “abusive/controlling” when one person seeks to have power and control over another. For ten years, I have worked with survivors of domestic abuse, many have shared that they initially believed abuse was only physical. However, emotional, financial, reproductive, technological and spiritual abuse also exists, and some would say these types are harder to heal from. Some aspects of an abusive relationship include controlling whereabouts, putting you down, jealousy, intimidating gestures, threats to “out” you, or sharing your personal information on the internet or at your job, and gaslighting, to name a few. 

Gaslighting is when a partner uses manipulation to make you doubt your reality. For example, if a person asks for sushi on their birthday but criticizes you for taking them there, you may begin to question your memory. This can seed doubt. Now imagine that but over a long period of time. What does that do to someone? Many people say it feels like they can never do anything right or like they’re going crazy. The impact of abusive relationships affects self-esteem, self-trust, and faith in others.

Thank you for bringing up gaslighting. Part of my goal in blogging is to provide deeper insights into psychology and counter the oversimplification of mental health topics on social media. It’s crucial to understand that gaslighting isn’t merely lying; it’s a complex manipulation tactic aimed at making you question your reality or sanity. The origin of the term actually highlights this, which folks can read more about here. Regarding flags, could you provide examples of green and red flags in relationships?

Based on the brief description of different forms of abuse, it may be difficult to point out red flags. The ironic thing about most abusers is that they are super charming at first. In a romantic context, if someone starts a relationship too fast, makes a lot of promises, and showers you with gifts and affection, those can actually be red flags. Some call this “love bombing.” If you look at this from a manipulative lens, it’s a way to lock you in early. Additional red flags include disrespecting your boundaries, sudden anger in public towards others, mistreatment of family members and women, talking bad about the people closest to you (to isolate you).

When I teach people about healthy versus unhealthy relationships, I use the Power and Control wheel. This is a graphic that illustrates numerous ways a person can be abusive or controlling. There is also a graphic called The Equality Wheel and I find that it’s a great illustration of “green flags” in relationships. In a controlling relationship, the power is held in the hands of one person, but in a healthy relationship there is equality and compromise. Green flags involve being able to disagree fairly, respecting each other’s individuality, supporting each other’s plans and goals, and taking accountability for our actions. These are all signs of a healthy relationship. 

In healthy relationships, people will support and listen to you with minimal judgment and show respect if you have differing opinions. When thinking of green and red flags, consider all of your relationships including platonic, familial, and professional. These boundaries are important with them as well. Cultural factors, such as power structures like machismo, can make achieving equality and respect difficult. I encourage all my clients to create their own list of boundaries and assess red flags with everyone in their life, not just romantic partners.

I would love to hear your closing thoughts and/or reflection prompts for our readers?

I’d love to leave you with some food for thought. What are your relationship deal-breakers? It’s okay if your boundaries are based on what you DON’T want. Personally, I’ve communicated my deal-breakers to my husband regarding cursing or calling me out of my name. He has never done this in our 10 years of marriage. If you have been affected by someone's substance use, that could be a new boundary to consider in future relationships. When we respect and honor our limits, it becomes easier to weed out the people who don’t align with our values and needs.

Closing Thoughts: Fostering Healthy Relationships

In closing, understanding the dynamics of healthy and abusive relationships is crucial for fostering positive connections and protecting oneself from potential harm. Recognizing the signs of abuse, whether overt or subtle, empowers us to establish and uphold boundaries that prioritize our well-being. By embracing green flags such as mutual respect, support, and accountability, individuals can cultivate relationships built on trust, equality, and understanding. Remembering to honor personal values and communicate openly lays the foundation for meaningful connections that nurture growth and mutual fulfillment. Let’s work together to raise awareness, education, and advocate for safer and healthier relationship dynamics for everyone.